Glimpse...

I saw you today. Managed a glanced and quickly looked away before you turned. Its been a while. When you walked towards me, I knew then what they mean by 'the heart skipping a beat'. I quietly wore my glares pretending I didnt see you but you are the only one I had my eyes on. I wonder for the nth time why we are not together when every part of me tells me we should be.

"muddatey beet gai teri yaad bhi na aai, par bhooley bhi nahi tumhe ab tak"

Chapter 1- An Introspection

I have a confession..i never introspect. people do it all the time..i cant. I dont know how to. I've just realised that i dont know myself well..so as an exercise in getting to know myself, I'm going to pen down 20 things about ME.

1. I am a fairly nice person. A little cynical but I am mostly nice to people.I used to be everyone's agony aunt in college. I hate confrontations of all kind and will go at length to avoid. In the first meeting, a lot of people mistake me for a snob but thats just trying to gauge the other person.

2. I am a very bad matchmaker. All my matchmaking/playing cupid attempts have always failed.

3. I always say no to everything first but still go ahead and do it. I'm also very impulsive..i spend a lot of time pondering over why I shouldnt do something..but like i said i always do the opposite.

4. In my head..i'm still single. Can be a little problematic when you're happily married

5. I love reading romance novels- Mills & Boons, Silhoutte etc. They are comfort reading. You always know that the girl and the boy will end up with each other no matter what..its always a happy ending.

6. I am an attention seeker. I pretend to be aloof but actually i love attention of any sort..from anyone...Love being the center of attention.

7. I have a love hate relationship with my work. I love hating my job. But there is nothing else I'd rather do. I dont think I'm a workaholic..its too extreme a word.

8. Now what i am..is a beeraholic. I love beer. Beer is comfortable and predictable..not like the cocktails where theres never enoough alcohol or they never taste the same the second time. Although a lot of friends are pushing me towards whisky..so will try it but i dont think it'll replace my love for beer.

9. I like detachment. I begin every relationship telling myself that I can walk away within a second without ever looking back. And i have done that. Does it make me a cold person? I dont know..

10. I love making out more than sex. I am a very good kisser..but a tad fussy! very few men (maybe i havent met that many) kiss well. Doing Algebra is more fun than getting slobered all over. (P, you would understand)

Next 10..later...

The Day

Today was supposed to be The Day..
P you would have made such a lovely bride..lively, loud and far from demure :)
I never really understood your urgency to be married. The need to have a marriage discussion on a second date which scared every boy you went out with, except D i guess. The two of you would have been so amazing together..i am sorry again that i never spent enough time with you. I am sorry I didnt join you in your shaadi shopping sprees...I am sorry I didnt rush to the hospital when i should have..
I cannot stop missing you ..you remain a big part of my life.

D company

I never understood what you saw in D. Didn't know why you were marrying him. I didnt think he was good enough for you. But obviously never told you all this because you seemed happy. You looked content with how life was shaping with him in it. But I stll didnt approve.
I was so wrong. I think I got to know D only after the accident. Only understood now why you were crazy about him. You would have been so proud of him. The way he has handled himself, us...I have to admit that a part of me wanted to blame him and hold him responsible for hurting you..for taking you away but after meeting him..seeing him deal with his pain..watching him putup such a brave front..I couldnt.
I wish I had spent more time with the two of you..got to know him better. Know him the way you knew him. I am going to try to make up for lost time...I promise to be in touch with him..its the only way to be in touch with you.

*Rad's making plans for dinner tomorrow night. Will give you dope :)

The Wedding that almost didnt happen..

You just have to hear about last night..the wedding finally happened.You would have snorted here. Well anyways..I am not supposed to tell too many people about the wedding because he doesnt want too many women to know that he aint single no more! Yeah, its time for another snigger :)
anyways..H was there at the wedding. No i didnt speak to him. I think I still havent recovered from the insult. So kept up the i-dont-know-who-you-are face. But he did keep looking at me from the corner of his eye. Btw i was wearing a saree with a very hot blouse...i think i looked quite nice. so like I was saying..he kept looking..and i know this because i was looking fromt time to time. Do you think hes going to think that I am still holding out for him..cause that would be stupid. How did he look? ummm...okay i guess..dont know why i thought he looked nice! :D
So thats the report from last night..Ohh almost forgot.the bride looked nice..very sweet actually. Hope she knows what shes getting herself into.

Gone too soon..My soul sister

You're gone too soon. We were supposed grow old and become old maids together. You were to get married. I was to dance at the wedding. You were to listen to me bitch about my mother in law. You were supposed to stick around to help clear up my mess like you always did. We were to have a girls night out and get hammered on beer..you on fosters and me on Kingfisher. I forgot..you were on vodka these days..the more ladylike drink. Never told you but I liked you more when you were the beer drinking gal pal. Afterall I had my first beer with you. Come to think of it I havent told you a lot of things i wish i had. How does one make up for lost time?
I love you. I always will. I am sorry I got caught up with work and didnt stay in touch enough. You always did. Thank you. Everything that i have done in the last 9 years involves you, everywhere I've go there is a memory spent with you, and just like that you're not there anymore to make more memories. Totos will never be the same. I dont think i have the strength to go there without you. You would have laughed at me behaving this way because I know somewhere you resented that i was or pretended to be too detached..well i am not. I am not as strong. You were much stronger. How do i cope? I tell myself you're free, happy to do as you please. That you would have preferred not live through the drudgery of daily life. You were above all that. Truly gifted. Thank you for the best 9 years..for the memories..for being there. I will think about you and us together each day. I love you PP.

wedded bliss?

I want to get married all over again...this time with less alcohol and maybe a different man